If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.