911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!