Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.