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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My current situation
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.