I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Harsh but fair
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]