[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
5 ways to appear taller
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m sure it’s fine.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”