1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You Might Also Like
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
i’m sure it’s fine
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox