YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames