Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

my proudest tweet

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree