dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen