You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten