Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Still a very good boi….
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.