I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?