[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“I FIXED IT!”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what