It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Real House Wines.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.