“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.