Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
You Might Also Like
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*