Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know