earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
You Might Also Like
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it