Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
You Might Also Like
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Saturday
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.