I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.