I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.