Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The internet is full of many things
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: