me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.