Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
not to brag, but mine was free
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Found my door mat
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.