No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Duck typos.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?