Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.