The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.