I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You Might Also Like
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.