I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?