Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.