ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan