A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It was worth a shot 😂
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
thank god
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.