Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.