outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.