Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Breaking news:
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.