Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.