Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My dad teaching me to drive
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”