JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
the answer was staring at me all along
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.