[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor