I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
❤️🦆
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Good dog. ❤️
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off