Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside