Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Kids, do not try this at home!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Whoa 😂
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.