Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*