I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
How software testing works
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
This line from Airplane.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?