i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.