Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
me, after any kind of buffet.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Brother?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp