I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.