Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I need this for my side hustle.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I