5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem